Many people know what they’d like from their partner but find it hard to ask when the moment comes.
These steps keep the ask short, which can make it easier to say.
1. Pick a relaxed moment.
Avoid asking during an argument or late at night when you’re both tired. A walk, the drive home or washing up together can work well, because you’re both relaxed and don’t have to hold eye contact.
2. Say it in a few words.
A short sentence such as “I’d love a long back rub on Saturday” is easier to hear than a long explanation. A long ask can sound like a complaint. Say what you’d like, and leave other issues for a separate conversation.
3. Give it a day and a time.
An ask for “sometime” is easy to forget. A specific time, such as Thursday evening, is easier to agree to and plan for.
4. Make it easy to say no.
Say so directly, for example: “No pressure. If it’s a rough week, tell me.” Your partner should feel free to answer “later” or “not this time”.
5. Decide before you ask how you’ll take a no.
A no usually says something about how their week is going. If you’ve thought about that before you ask, it’s easier to hear calmly.
6. Say thank you for any answer.
Thank them for a yes, and also for a “later”, because they gave you an honest answer.
You can also write it down.
A text or a written note works too. Use the same short, specific sentence.
This guide is general advice. If asking for what you want has felt hard or loaded for a long time, a couples counsellor or sex therapist can give you more support than a guide can.